Pearls of wisdom #2
When you're smokin' hot, there might be fire
You’re shaving and the toaster bursts into flames. It’s a good idea to put down your razor and shaving brush before responding—sure, you won’t be as ridiculously good-looking while you play fireman, but at least you won’t sacrifice your kitchen for a pretty face.
Pearls of wisdom #16
Mollo sur la boucane
T'expérimentes une recette portugaise de poulet boucané. Vas-y mollo sur le boucané. Dis-toi que y a pas une musique métal ou techno, même dans le tapis, qui peut enterrer ton alarme de feu. Tu rates ton ambiance, tu finis ton dessert tout seul.
Pearls of wisdom #8
Play it cool
You're watering your tulips when your friendly local fireman stops by to explain the importance of changing the batteries in your smoke detector . . . yes, a real, live fireman all to yourself in all his handsome glory! Try not to drool—it's not good for the plants.
Pearls of wisdom #7
Sometimes it's best to keep it to yourself
You're holding the ladder while your friend is halfway in the attic when suddenly the attic door slams shut on his head. Sure, it makes the most satisfying THUD that you've ever heard, but this isn't the moment to comment on how hollow it sounded. Instead, button your lip and choke back the laugh. After all, friends—even when dazed and contused—can be pretty useful.
Pearls of wisdom #21
Visualise, men, visualise.
Le chat de Cindy a fait ses griffes sur les sièges en cuir de ta décapotable. Avant de crier ou lancer le félin, respire pis pense positif. Visualise la jolie Cindy qui se fait les ongles dans ta voiture.
Pearls of wisdom #4
Visualise, fille, visualise.
Le chien de Carl a tellement déterré ton basilic que la terre, le gravier, le pot ont égratigné le bleu cobalt de ta voiture. Avant de faire une boulette spéciale à son bâtard, imagine ton Apollon, en sexy mécanicien rouler doucement en-dessous de ton coupé sport.
Pearls of wisdom #9
Be careful what you wish for
It can seem like a good idea to buy a sweet sports convertible for cruising by envious crowds. But if it’s too expensive for you to leave the driveway, and so instead you spend your Friday nights buffing and waxing, you might end up the envious one.
Pearls of wisdom #12
Launch a careful defence
Your mom asks you to clean out the leaves from her gutter and while you're up there you come across the nest of a yellow-fronted canary. When it launches a major pecking offensive, take the time to get down from the roof before defending yourself. Otherwise you'll be the one on the endangered species list.
Pearls of wisdom #36
Félicitez toujours vos enfants.
Après une bombe mémorable dans votre piscine hors terre, votre dodu fiston échoue au 407 (vous demeurez au 401). Avant de chicaner Junior, félicitez-le d'avoir décollé de l'ordi pour aller rencontrer les nouveaux voisins.
Pearls of wisdom #17
Maybe call first next time
When you get home, someone greets you at the door holding a magnificent 52-inch screen plasma TV. If the TV looks like the one you already have and that « someone » is wearing a ski mask rather than a party hat, maybe you came home a bit too early.
Pearls of wisdom #3
Stop, drop and roll
When your neighbours Frank and Betty, both wearing coconut bras, invite you over for a luau and you accidentally set fire to Betty's grass skirt, quickly throw her in the hot tub before the flames reach the house.
Pearls of wisdom #18
Be polite with the police
So, you get pulled over (again) and you're convinced it's because you're driving a red car. Before giving the officer a piece of your mind, I would recommend asking your teenage son to stop standing up through the sunroof while you're driving.
Pearls of wisdom #5
Don't try too hard
You get home and you realize your house has been broken into, which sucks. Even so, keep in mind that it might not be worthwhile declaring 6,527 CDs, a drum set and a ten foot grand piano when you're living in a 1 ½.
